15 March, 2004 - 12:09 a.m.

I think my life can be divided into several stages/periods. One of which is boys.

The first stage is the Matthew stage. This lasts from age 8 until 17. Matthew was the love of my childhood life. We had just 8 boys in our class of 25 in primary school, and he was the pick. Tall, blonde, tanned, athletic, smart. He had the works. And all the girls. I pined for him. Hours were spend analysing every look, every word. My best friend Kylie and I devised plans of attack that were never followed through with, and I watched in anguish as he fell in love with Bernadette. She had breasts and sophistication...two factors I did not.

I'll never know if he ever fancied me back, but I'm sure that by the end of year 8 or 9, he was aware of my feelings, given that I stalked him at every school dance.

Grade 9-12 were the school dance years. I went to an all girls school, and school dances were looked upon as 'the' way to obtain that elusive first kiss. I dreamed of that kiss. Waited longingly, wondering what it would be like. Sure that it would bring heaven to earth and change my world.

And so it did. Though not in the way I expected. My first kiss was awful. Terrible. So wet and 'slimy'. We pulled away from eachother - two sweaty bodies dancing awkwardly at a school dance - with spit mashed against my chin...not my own spit. I went home and cried with bitter disappointment, and swore I would never kiss again.

The next school dance proved me wrong. I met a boy named Luke, who was in year 12 (and I in year 10). We danced, and kissed, and things were looking a little more promising in that department....until I fainted, and then proceeded to throw up. Needless to say, Luke disappeared from the scene soon after.

It was at the next school dance that the Andrew debacle happened. He asked me to dance, and I'd been eyeing off his friend, and yet felt sorry for him, so agreed. It was this permission to dance that seemed to be misunderstood for permission to stick the entire length of his tongue down my ear canal. I continue to hope, to this day, that it was full of wax.

Year twelve was the year of Noel. I had misguided beliefs that this poor unsuspecting boy felt similar to the way in which I was feeling, and almost threw myself upon him at a friend's 18th party. It got to the point of him sitting me down, and saying "Word around the campfire is that you've got a bit of a thing for me". With that gem of a conversation stopper, things went downhill from then on, and I'm still reminded by my friends of that night.

The year after I left school were the oh-my-god-there-are-so-many-boys year. After the confines of 5 years behind an all-girls prison, I was overcome with surprise to note that there were boys out there! It came, suitably enough, at the same time I legally gained entry to the clubbing scene. I remember the night after my cousin's wedding, in particular. We went out, and I found myself (being dressed to the nines) in the middle of a room full of guys with their eyes upon me. One boy in particular...or man, rather, at 12 years my senior... took my interest. I no longer remember his name or what he looked like, but he held my hand. I remember that vividly, because it was an act of kindness I had yet to experience with all of the failed boyfriends of the past. He told me he would like to kiss me, but he had a girlfriend. I didn't want the kisses. I just wanted that hand-holding. I wanted to be cared for. Nothing came of that boy, but I often thought back to him in months to come, wondering if there would ever be another person who would hold my hand so gently.

I had started work in an amusement park in April of that year, where I met Christopher. He and Jason, another worker, were the friendliest of all people there, and I appreciated Chris' humour. I soon fell in love with him as a person, as a friend, and enjoyed the shifts with him the most of all. There were other boys that I fancied there - Daniel, a cousin of our boss, who worked only for a few weeks, and Liam, a blonde haired boy who once showed me his grazed knee like a little boy would. He was still in love with another girl, and I simply admired from afar.

It wasn't until that workplace shut down, and Chris and I still hung out together occassionally, that I realised I actually fancied the poor boy, and began to harrass him at his new job. He never suspected, until he one day discovered this diary by a freak accident (He had been keeping one here too, and I had discovered his a while beforehand). By this stage, I had settled upon a friendship with him, and we laughed about it together on icq. As time has gone by, our lives have become far too distinct and busy to keep up with any kind of regularity, and I miss his friendship, but admire his achievements from afar.

At the end of the year, I met two people. One was Andrew, a very sexy, almost intimidatingly perfect boy, at a nightclub. (All of these stories can be found in the late 2000 entries of this diary). We called eachother once, and arranged a date, and then he never called back. I went to the same nightclub months later, and he happened to be there again also - the first time he'd been back since the night we'd first met, too). This time we went on several dates, before I ended it the day before Valentine's day. Looking back, I don't think I was ready for a relationship with someone so perfect he intimidated me...

It was on December 23rd 2000 that I met Mark - a story that I will not share here. But Mark was my first love. True love, I mean. Not Matthew-type love. Mark taught me the full range of emotions that love cause - hate and passion, trust and complete betrayal. It was a relationship that lasted for 2 years, on and off. Months of not talking to eachother, only to find eachother miserable without one another. And so it continued until it no longer did. And my heart was broken. Several times, but finally it was finished. And love no longer had the shine that it seemed to have prior to experiencing it.

During these two years, I met boys, and went out with them, only to tell them no after a date or two. I just felt nothing. Probably in comparison to Mark. Otherwise, things went well, but they moved away.

Actually, in the space of a year, I went out with 5 different boys who then moved interstate. 5! There was Andrew, Peter, Corey, Marcus and Aaron. New South Wales, overseas, Western Australia, Western Australia and New South Wales respectively.

2001 was Nathan. We had been friends for 3 years, with an undercurrent of persistent flirting. It came to a head one night, and we ended up kissing in front of all our friends at a bar we were all at. And that was all that it amounted to. A lot of angst and visits to his house under the guise of friendship - many hours spent in his room on his bed talking deep and meaningful things, and giving foot massages - but nothing more ever came of it, and we kept our friendship the whole time. It was also the year I 'met' Auctoritas, a boy who kept a diary here for a while. We talked on the phone almost every night, and shared our lives almost unconditionally. He was a wonderful friend, who I developed feelings for, until we agreed that there wasn't much more than friendship there anyway. He was my friend and confidant, and I miss him greatly. I wish I was a better friend than I am, and kept in contact with him.

Ben was 2002. A boy who wanted only one thing, as the cliche` goes. We drifted apart after some time, when it became clear that we were interested in different directions. I still talk to him occassionally, and he is now happily seeing 'the one'.

Brian was also 2002. The second love. I fall more in love with him every time that I see him. It has not always been 100% perfect (almost always due to my fault), but it has always been close.

All of the boys I had been with before Brian had scared me. I felt intimidated by them, or else I felt nothing for them, which scared me equally. And then I met Brian, who I felt instant comfort with, and have never looked back.

Every relationship changed me, and made me who I am today. I suppose in reality, there are just a few boys that I will remember for all of my life. Matthew, Mark, and Brian.

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