31 May, 2004 - 10:46 p.m.

I started to write a 'real' entry about the un-funny parts of my life at the moment, but it's all a bit much, and I don't really know what to say about it all. I've kind of managed to stuff a lot of things up - with Brian and at art. I'm very confused at the moment, and the worst is knowing I'm the one to blame, and having the courage to admit responsibility, which I've done.

So, anyway. Other stuff that's only half as interesting...

Our folios for our various subjects are all due around about now. I handed in my drawing one on Friday, and got the equivalent of a distinction, which I was flattered about. Stephen teaches three of my six subjects, and generally tells it as it is, so I respect his opinion, possibly more so than my other two teachers.

My sculpture is coming along slowly. It's dark and sad, and working on it makes me dwell a little too much on things I should move away from. There has to be a time to stop thinking about a child I didn't even know. I have to let go of the family I met in their worst moment. But I can't. I can only hope that once I finish the sculpture, it will fade.

I feel as though I'm re-evolving as a person, as me. I seem to go through these periods of my life where I realise parts of myself as new. In this case, it's remembering a part of me, that had lain forgotten for 5 years. I feel like a whole person again, thanks to doing this art course.

And while I'm grateful to that, I'm terrified of finishing, and losing this part of me again. I don't know if I have the motivation to keep it up. I need to be pushed to create. I can't do it on my own.

And at the same time, I'm aware that this art course is putting a gulf between Brian and I, for one reason or another, and I wonder sometimes if I had to choose, whether I could. I love Brian, and want him in my life, but I can't bear to go back to who I was this time last year, and unaware of how life 'should' be.

And that's it for tonight's d&m.

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